D: Jaume Collet-SerraW: David Johnson, Alex Mace
C: Vera Farmiga, Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman, CCH Pounder, Jimmy Bennett, Aryana Engineer, etc.
I'm going to try and be as calm and collected as I can while writing this, but it's not going to be easy. This is more of a rant than a review to be honest. Also, the following is loaded with spoilers, so you have been warned.
Orphan starts out as being hilarious, which is something a horror film isn't normally supposed to induce in it's viewers, unless of course it's done deliberately. Quickly it works it's way into bad territory though and it goes all the way. Just to point out, I have a general loathing towards little girls with black hair that are up to no good. Most of the horror films from the last, I don't know, 5 years, have had such a character as the villain. Whether she's a ghost, Asian, adopted or whatever, there's almost a fixation about portraying black-haired little girls as some manifestation of evil. I guess that all started with Children of the Corn and then at one point the Asians took over. And that stuff has crossed over to other mediums as well. I mean, at first you do give her the benefit of the doubt, but if you've seen the trailer or have acquainted yourself with the plot summary (while looking at the poster is enough), you know that this is Satan's daughter who will end up killing half of the main cast. What's the incentive then, to see this film, if you already know that ? There's not an ounce of originality in it. Well, in my case it was curiosity, cos I heard that they had featured Estonia in the plot somehow, which is where I'm from. It's a country. Remembering the previous times Hollywood, although this particular movie is more of a Canadian production, had mentioned Estonia in their TV shows and films, I expected it to be bad, but not this bad.
Dear people of North America, we are not cavemen (Encino Man), bald midgets (The Simpsons) or psychotic bitches with a Growth Hormone Deficiency, and we're especially not some odd creatures from the Eastern Bloc. I admit, it was cute at first (with the first two examples), but this film takes it into a whole other level. Not only is Orphan an insult to your intelligence, to me personally, it's an insult, period. Now, I know most of the screenwriters who dwell in this sort of cinema (mainstream Hollywood junk) are talentless, dollar worshipping cunts, but what exactly have we done to deserve this sort of attention ? I mean, it's not like we're Germany, who will probably never get rid of the PR stain that is Adolf Hitler. Why is Finland shown in such favoring light, for example ? Finland is always mentioned in a cool way, never in a negative context. We can't really help our history and we don't have something like Nokia, but we're good people, so fuck you Hollywood and all you douchebags who can't write shit to save your life. I wouldn't be pissed if this were a good movie, but it's not. It's the same shit I've seen over and over again, just with a new coat of paint.
The premise is there, but it's sloppy and I'm being generous here. The first 40 minutes are bearable, but the last 2/3rd's are so absurd in it's presentation, which is where the script reveals it's true face. The character of Esther loses it's mystique in a matter of seconds, when she turns on her Niko Bellic accent and later beats a nun to death with a hammer. The rest of the family behaves in such ridiculous ways it makes you feel they almost deserve to be killed. The character of Max (the sister) is written as a mute, which is a fucking cop-out, plain and simple. Esther holds the kids emotionally hostage, manipulating where needed, and wants the wife out of the picture, just so she can get in the husband's pants. Max is too young to be a considerable threat, but her brother on the other hand is important enough to end up almost getting burned to death, while Esther enjoys the sight with her sadistic little smile. Whatever happened to that crowbar though ? An unimportant detail apparently. Never mind the plot holes, if this film treats me like I'm stupid, then I'm glad the husband died, he was an idiot. And his son is a pussy, who unfortunately lived. The characters are just not believable enough and while the family has a lot of emotional baggage from their past, you'd expect a family gone through hardship to have a stronger bond and more trust for each other, not bail on you as soon as an opportunity presents itself.
I'm not a parent, nor am I a psychiatrist, but adopting is not like getting a dog alright, especially if that dog is 9 years old, articulate, artistic and a walking fashion statement. I just can't feel sympathy for these people anymore, if the setup is always the same. I'd like a believable horror film for a change, not something loaded with cliches and with a predictable story. It makes no difference if the villain ends up being The Thing, Satan or a 33-year-old little girl, if I can't enjoy the ride. That new coat of paint is useless if it's see-through, revealing the shit stained wallpaper underneath. How do they expect us to feel genuine fear or suspense while watching these films ? The reason I don't care about these victims, most of the time, is because they're either too gullible, naive, stupid or the casting sucks. In this case, it's the script and the director, cos Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard are both good enough actors. I'm disappointed in them for taking this gig and also in Leonardo DiCaprio who was one of the producers for this piece of shit. Why would you associate yourself with something that's completely void of any artistic integrity ? I would expect this from up-and-coming young actors, not from someone who's been in the business for awhile. Joel Silver being one of the producers doesn't surprise me, but it pains me seeing good actors wasting their time, paycheck or no paycheck. Studio people, take your heads out of your asses and realize that people hate shitty horror movies more than anything. When it comes to thrillers, sci-fi or horror, I have higher expectations, so stuff like this simply doesn't cut it anymore. You're wasting everyone's time and money, so the next time you're handed a script like this, just throw it in the trash, slap the fucker and move on. Giving this stuff a green light should be considered a cardinal sin. We've seen it, so save yourself the trouble.
I might be a bit too harsh here, but I'm just sick to death of these films. There are a few good moments here and there, it holds some promise at the beginning, but it quickly turns from mediocre to worse. And, all things aside, Isabelle Fuhrman does a good job playing Esther, for her age. Most of all though, I'm deeply disappointed seeing one Estonian (of the total two) speaking my native language in this horrible fucking film, it literally feels like treason. I hope they're from Canada, for their sake. Someone needs to rectify this fast, until then I'm boycotting North American horror movies, unless they're praised almost unanimously (both by critics and non-critics alike). And no, Drag Me To Hell is not my idea of a good time. Grow the fuck up already, ditch the cheap scares, the cliches and for the love of god, come up with something original or have an original take on something that's been done before, when you try to tackle this particular genre. No one's forcing me to watch these, but I'd rather see people not wasting their time making horror films if they can't handle it. I'd be content watching The Shining, The Thing and Alien reruns until the day I die.
4/10
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